The Master Mage Trilogy: Awakening Story by Z. Z. Ali

The Master Mage Trilogy: Awakening Story by Z. Z. Ali

This has to be one of the best, if not the best story on Authonomy I've read so far actually earning a full 11.75! I was so impressed that the only changes I found needing to be made were aesthetic in nature, rather than straight mistakes.

The pros of this story are many. Well described beautiful worlds, fleshed out characters, good action, far reaching mythology, mystery... I could go on for a while. The problems rested in a few grammar errors and a few times where in my view the author took things too far in one direction or another, however I realized why he may have gone those directions.

The final score came out to about 11.75 out of a possible 12 with two bonus points. This is the highest score I have ever given to a story and would probably have gotten a higher score than my own stories could have received. That's right, this story seemed better to me than my own, which is generally hard to get a writer to fully admit.

The objectionable material in this story was perhaps more than my standard fare, though I attribute that to the author establishing high stakes and intense action. For blood a -4 and this is because of several scenes in the demon realm, where whole walls ran with blood. Really there were no drawn out torture scenes or anything of the like, but a general creepy and gory atmosphere was pervasive while the characters traveled through their world's version of hell. Another -3 for the killing of both good and bad characters alike. Finally a -1 for a general atmosphere of horror. -8 out of -25. I'm not sure if this is meant to be a horror story, probably more action fantasy, and the gore is mostly superficial, but just to be clear, this probably isn't for the kiddies.

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Awakening is a story that takes place in a world of magic and demons filled with mystery and intrigue. While many social issues are brought up, the author actually maintains as perspective that the line between good and evil is pretty thin, which isn't easy to do in a story that includes demons, God and prophesied heroes. The action is intense and pays off very well in the end along with great mystery and suspense. A must read for fantasy lovers!

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And with the author plug out of the way, here are the details of how the score was decided:

Warning: Spoilers may be ahead.

Spelling/Grammar

Score: ¾

Here's where I had a slight issue with the writer. Oh yes, for most of the story it was actually difficult to find grammar errors, but a few popped up here and there. The main issue I had was that chapter lengths were all over the place and there didn't seem to be a rhyme or reason for it. One chapter would be five pages and the next would be forty. Best I could tell the author was trying to use chapters to place the events of the story into sections, such as, the training of the hero, the first battle, the onset of a major plague, etc. However many of these sections could easily have been two chapters long without causing any interruptions in the story's flow. This would probably be an easy fix, but I might still get on it soon.

Interesting Plot

Score: 1

The worlds created for this story were very well put together. Clearly this story is one in a series, not only from the title, but from the way the story is written. This is the “introduction” book it seems. The book is devoted to exploring the worlds of the Master Mages, both mortal and demonic. It even explores social and religious development, but all without jumping out of a good storyline. Many major questions are raised, and clearly meant to be answered later on, such as, “what exactly are the Master Mages?”.

The driving force of the plot was the battle against a demonic enemy and finding the seven prophesied heroes that would fight it. The humans and demons were both very well described, particular emphasis on the main characters, noting even subtle changes in appearances. Despite some of the story being predictable in nature I never quite knew what was around the next corner.

Good Direction

Score: 1

The direction of this story was very good from start to finish. Events played out much like a video game would if one had a decent plot, right down to the boss battles. That being said, I have a few changes that I would make, all of them rather superficial, but nonetheless considerable.

First, the author seems to like the idea of the narrow escape far too much. When battling the first master demon (the first boss essentially) the characters had to escape the gate world he was residing in. This involved narrowly escaping the room they fought in, before it collapsed, then running through the building as it collapsed behind them. Then they narrowly getting out of the building just before it collapses. Then they rush down the mountain barely dodging debris, getting away just before it erupted. Then they narrowly get out of the gate world before the whole thing crumbles sending them through the gate in a glorious explosion. Sorry, but, yes, this sets up later on why they have to go into the demon world in order to escape the collapsing of a second gate, as they have not time to get back to their own world with two characters injured but it's still excessive. Especially considering when the author has this happen again and the gate world collapses behind them just after they enter the demon world too, meaning they somehow did not save time traveling a shorter distance. The truth is the author should have had the characters run out of the demon castle and perhaps as they're moments away from exiting, turn back and see the world collapsing. This would create a sense that this wasn't happening simply to facilitate a ridiculous series of escapes, but really was the natural consequence of killing a master demon. Then when the main characters jump into the demon world rather then trying to hobble all the way back to the gate to their world, we will still realize why they did it. Again, the gate world did not need to collapse right after they left to the demon world, that just made things look even sillier. (Actually it was just the room that collapsed after them, so I suppose the destruction time was the same relative time.) Narrow escapes are only one form of action and repeating them over and over is like having far too many glorious mega explosions. The reader eventually loses any sense of dread or astonishment and starts to think the story is being funny. There's nothing wrong with a little campyness, but I don't think that was the goal of this story.

Second, the story eventually explored a religion that had formed in the human world and survived when a city was taken to the demon world. The followers of this religion had successfully predicted their own fate, had incredible power for mere humans and even had the great staffs of the mages suddenly appear in their city. The city of this religion, apparently once the dominate religion of the human world, was once the greatest of all cities in the world. In the end it seemed that this religion was supposed to be right, so when it was revealed what the religion said the master mages were, naturally I assumed it to be right there as well. Later on though their theories were called into question on the mages themselves. Again, there was no saying for sure they were wrong. This all felt kinda weird. If doubting the religion was something the reader was intended to do, why not make it only seem right on the surface and have other elements that were doubtful? Yes, the religion mirrored Christianity in many respects, but no, allowing clear doubts would not seem offensive to me, all religions, even my own, make dubious claims. Really I could see the author getting away with this, after all the religion is learned about in a town full of devotees, so of course it was colored favorably by those explaining it. This one is up in the air, but I might make things a little less certain.

Third, there was a short training of the main character which is when she first started to understand and embrace her powers. While these training scenes are okay, they were cut a little short for my liking and summarized a little too much. The author showed at first several battles, but glossed over how the training went when Garent started using her new found power. The second training scene only shows one fight, leaving us to guess the mode of training from there. I would say a few more drills would have been interesting to see. However the author could argue that too many drills would have been rather boring. Still two or three probably would have been fine and at least ONE after her first discovery of her abilities.

Author Interest

Score: 1

I think the author directly advertises his book, but I'm not sure, after all I approached him not the other way around. He's certainly involved in Authonomy, posting comments all the time and communicating with other members, so I can say he's definitely trying to get noticed.

Believable Main Characters

Score: 1

Most of the characters in this story had personalities that were simple, but not to the extent that I couldn't believe they could exist. This was facilitated by the author giving them back stories and allowing them to react to situations naturally. I will note that the character of Vasaya almost lost me. Her back story is never really explained and she is seen constantly crying. While her character proves useful, we never really get to know her. It seems possible she could have good reason to behave the way she does, but it does eventually seem excessive. I really do think the author should vary her reactions to situations a little more.

Likable Main Characters

Score: 2

Again, most of the characters were very well explored, which made me like and care about them a lot. Especially the explorations of Garnet's psychi was insteresting. Normally when writers try to delve into psychological bonds or battles, even on TV, things become confusing. However I really was able to follow what was going on when the author explored her mind. I also loved Grelle, who was probably the opposite of what you might expect the wind master to be, a real smart aleck with an insatiable appetite for violence. Even Thev proved interesting in that while his body mirrored what one would expect for a commander of the earth element, the author didn't choose to cast him as emotionless or constantly angry, as is typical in stories like this. Rather he was caring and patient with a real sense of honor. The only character I really couldn't get into, was Vasaya. Again, her story really wasn't explored very much. The author gives glimpses of reasons for her constant mourning, which kept me from hating the character as her behavior became more of a mystery than an annoyance at times. Also the character of Vasaya does not ultimately become useless.

Likable Side Characters

Score: 2

I would like to give a bonus point here for Aros or Old Mag, who were great side characters with implied stories of their own. However neither really caught my attention in a special way. Still the characters besides the main characters, all seemed to have stories and lives of their own that clearly were going on before our heroes stepped in, and would continue afterward. Of particular note were the demons, who all had personalities that were very well explored.

The demons is where I decided to give the bonus point. They were powerful and sneak, rather than powerful and obvious. This despite having VERY great power. Their power, evil and trickery was usually established in a few paragraphs or pages, without the demons becoming main characters. I've never seen demons done this well. Really, it's hard to pull off characters that are by definition one dimensional entities of pure evil and continue to make them scary once you get a look them in a story. But the descriptions of the creatures and their behavior helped keep the eeriness about them even when you saw them for what they were. They were awesome!

Good Scene Descriptions

Score: 1

The world, environments, creatures, weapons... everything was beautifully described in this story, probably helped by the author using a pretty decent vocabulary without seeming like a kid saying “look what words I know!”. I especially loved how the demons were set up, each unique and completely alien. (Though perhaps the author could stop pointing this out by using the word “alien”. Superficial problem maybe, but after a while he was pointing out the obvious with that word.)

Targeting

Score: 1

This is a great story, feeling as grand and expansive as Lord of the Rings in some instances. The author creates a great fantasy world for the readers and I can see fantasy lovers having debates about the ins and outs of it for a long time to come if it gets published. This is often the most important thing in fantasy and sci-fi, giving the reader something to explore that they haven't seen before. True, sometimes its just about a simple adventure (or my story, Finders, is a near failure), but the grand whole new world is there this time and waiting to be explored.

Broad Appeal

Score: 1

This is a fantasy story, but it doesn't assume you know the rules of the universe as many fantasy stories do. While younger readers should probably look elsewhere, this would be pretty entertaining for just about any adult reader of fiction.

Decision to back or not:

This story impacted me pretty well which is probably already obvious from the review. I still stand behind the other books on my shelf, but with it's addition I have a pretty solid five book line up. It will be hard to figure out which one to drop the next time I find a really good story.

In Transit: Aethunium – A Steampunk Story

In Transit review:

Note: An “In Transit” review is a story I feel is still “on its way”. This simply means a production isn’t complete or is in need of a rewrite. It also means I’m likely to revisit the story if it gets a rewrite.

Aethunium – A Steampunk Story by Kirk Haggerty

This story is actually pretty impressive in some areas, and lacking in others. It has what I might start calling “Authonomy Syndrome”, which isn’t a bad reflection on the writer so much as it is a reflection on the problem of using authonomy to workshop a story. The first four or five chapters of this story have virtually no spelling or grammar errors, and certainly no direct plot holes. However after that, the normal number of grammar errors can be found and there are a few problems with direction. This reflects the pattern of most trade reads on authonomy. It has become popular to only read and correct the first four or five chapters of a story and then move on in order to read as many stories as possible on authonomy. This ultimately means stories will be very polished in the beginning, but not many people will read to the end, regardless of whether they like the book. Not sure what to recommend to get past this, besides going to a real book workshop, such as http://critters.com that allows writers to exchange and read their works one chapter at a time. The disadvantage of workshops is that they’re for helping to create a story, not publish it, as people come to authonomy for. For this story, I would still definitely recommend such a work shop.

This story has two major problems besides a grammar or spelling mistake here or there. Hook, and direction.

The concept of a hook is to have something about your story that readers will remember and come back to. This can take the form of a writing style, a unique atmosphere or characters that feel real or are easy to fall in love with. While the characters, story and plot are all good enough in their own right, I never could identify anything in the story that I would remember no matter how many other stories I read. There are a variety of ways for a story to get stuck in your head, from rhyming schemes to evoking a powerful emotion, or just having a good variety of themes, like a book of different stories. I just didn’t find anything for this category, which will hurt this story come publishing time.

The problem in the story’s direction came later on, after the well corrected first four or five chapters. At around chapter six or seven I started to notice characters were doing things for reasons that weren’t explained and having roles that didn’t make sense. Even the ending was so overly happy it made me wonder if the author was considering parody. (It would have worked great for that purpose and I actually said so in my comments in all seriousness, not to be insulting.)

As it stands, this story is very well written, but kinda has a feeling like an English major wrote it. Especially in the first few chapters there are very few direct mistakes of any kind. However it would be better having three or four grammar mistakes per page if the author would work to make things more unique. It might even have an easier time with publishing with grammar errors if something stuck with the reader even after three more books were read. The score came out to an 8.75 out of a possible 12 with no bonus points. A very high score for an in transit story, but I still have to recommend a fair amount of work before going straight to a publisher.

To the objectionable material, -1 for very little blood, -2 for only bad guys ever getting killed and -1 for some sexual themes. Over all this is about a -3 out of a possible -25. I don’t know how interested young children would be in this story, as its more grown up in style, but there wouldn’t be any reason to forbid them from reading it if they got the notion.

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In a world where steam and gears replace electricity and gas, time travel is about to be discovered, for better or for worse. This is a very well put together story with interesting characters and a well thought out world. Appropriate for all ages, but geared towards adults this one is basically a good romp through the crazy world that is the pop culture trend of steam punk.

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And with the author plug out of the way, here are the details of how the score was decided:

Warning: Spoilers may be ahead.

Spelling/Grammar

Score: ¾

As I already said, this books is extremely well-polished in the first few chapters, however it has a few grammar and word usage errors in the latter chapters. Nothing suggest the author could not eventually pick up on these problems himself, so I won’t waste his (as I hope he is reading this) and my time explaining those errors.

Interesting Plot

Score: 1

The setting for this story was very well imagined if a bit cliché for the Steam Punk Sub-genre. Blips and old fashioned flying cars populate the sky and horse drawn carriages along with some vehicles populate the ground. Essentially it’s a realization of the theory that if technology had simply built on the foundation steam had already been laying rather than moved on to start over with gas and electricity, it might have moved a good deal faster. Anyone can debate this theory, but the story doesn’t seek to detail how this would work, simply subbing in a mystical blue mineral that pretty much is meant to fill in all the holes that steam and gears might not have been able to work in.

While the plot isn’t bad, it does have a weakness in that the story doesn’t really do much to explain the mechanics of this phenomenally different technological layout for society. It’s simply meant to be accepted that any problems that steam, air and gears had rising beyond a few blimps and steam boats in our world, were compensated for in this world with the blue mineral. This in itself could have been interesting. If the blue mineral were used for other purposes as well, such as being used as a weapon or something else, that would have showed a completely new idea inside an old one.

I will note that about half way through the story the author does use a mechanized quadraped battle ship with zeppelin transport, but he suggests this is unusual for his world. Actually the idea of merging mecha and steam punk would have stuck in anyone’s mind. Imagine steam punk mech warriors duking it out with early navy ships and zeppelins. I get that the author probably wanted to be loyal to the steam punk universe as imagined by its fans, but being too loyal kinda holds him back.

Good Direction

Score: ½

This is where a good number of the story’s problems take root. At first the biggest problem was not really going for any unique themes or characters, but eventually events began to occur that didn’t make sense in universe.

As an example when the mechanized battle ship zeppelin showed up, the person who commissioned it is not one we have any reason to believe had the resources to build it. In fact nothing of that level of technological advancement had been mentioned in the story before. The creation was treated as something commissioned on a whim and basically piloted by mercenaries. This seems very unlikely in a world set in 1900 with 1900 equivalent technology and the characters act impressed but not very much given the disparity between the technology of the entire planet, and one man. Perhaps the story could have set up that the antagonist had been experimenting with technology that could have put him ahead, and it was hinted that he had used electricity, but this explanation felt very rushed and almost shoe horned.

The main character himself even felt forced into situations after a while, because he was never shown to have unique skills that people would consider when placing him. For example he is arrested as a spy, but then put right back out into combat by the people who arrested him. He is then allowed to use a time space teleportation device he did not invent that only hours earlier he used against the country that arrested him. The device’s operation in story was very simple, so why they couldn’t have just asked him how to use the device and had someone else use it is not explained. Nor is he given any expertise in any field that might have cleared up the reasoning in using him. He only uses the device for a short time, which means his experience wasn’t that valuable either.

Even for this story, which isn’t particularly violent or dark, the ending is overly happy to the point of self-parody. All characters get the most ideal ending possible, and some major plot points are introduced without need. For instance an assassin had been pursuing the main character for the entire story, and had not been dealt with by the end. In the last chapter he was finally killed in an overly drawn out encounter and also turned out to have a double that turned out to be the main character from a possible future where he failed to stop the main villain. Yes, that was all introduced and resolved in a few paragraphs and was very rushed. (Not to mention that the story didn’t even bring up the idea of paradox, -what would have happened if the main character’s alternate self had succeeded in eliminating his own past life?-.)

Finally, this story really didn’t handle the theme of time travel very well. It never established what the rules were for time travel, or even stated that theories about it were uncertain. It simply proceeded as if the characters knew all of its implications and it didn’t matter that the reader did not.

Author Interest

Score: 1

This story is actually placed at 110 despite its problems and I say this is no doubt in no small part due to how much the author is advertising it. He is definitely throwing his weight behind the product and I believe it reasonable to assume he will work on fixing any errors as quickly as possible.

Believable Main Characters

Score: 1

While the premise of the story was science fiction, and there were plot holes that revolved around the main characters, the characters themselves always remained believable. Their reactions were normally consistent and they grew progressively as individuals, not being overtly goofy or incredibly intelligent or dumb.

Likable Main Characters

Score: 1

Being believable in this case did not end up making the characters boring. Their emotions and feelings still drove the story for the most part and I really did find myself hoping things would work out for them. I do feel that working harder with the Baron, the main antagonist, might have been to the writer’s benefit. The antagonist eventually turns out to be of the variety who can put together incredibly advanced machines in a short amount of time. This is usually a trait used with parody villains but the Baron is played too straight for this to be implied. The characters were all good, but as it stands, none of them really stuck out.

Likable Side Characters

Score: ½

This is another problem area. Save for the main character’s four year old daughter, side characters in this story come in, fill a role and leave. It doesn’t really feel like the writer was endeavoring to make us care about them or what happened to them which made them feel empty.

Good Scene Descriptions

Score: 1

Actually despite not being technically explained very well, the scenes in the story themselves were very well explained and set up. I was at many times able to envision myself in this alternate timeline. Even the mechanized dreadnaught, though poorly explained, was very well described.

Targeting

Score: 1

Though I might say to its detriment, this story is very loyal to the steam punk sub-genre. It keeps with the themes of semi advanced technology for the age, yet not fantastic all the same, keeping things “reasonable”. Steam punk enthusiast will be pleased.

Broad Appeal

Score: 1

There is no reason those outside steam punk lovers will be upset with this production. It doesn’t talk over anyone’s head or have any objectionable material. In fact the characters and plot are very fun in it of themselves. Any reader could be seen enjoying themselves with this book.

(New category)

Decision to back or not:

Truth is, recently I’ve been reading a few books that felt very good themselves, but seemed to be lacking unique qualities that will make them stand out in my mind over time. This story is the best of them in that with the introduction of mecha into steam punk, clumsy as it was, it will stick with me. I would highly suggest the writer work on other themes that will stand out in people’s minds as unique, or perhaps build more on the mecha concept. Right now his backing with me is kinda on shaky ground.

Tentative review: The Final Victim

Tentative review:

Note: An “Tentative” review is a story that I am reviewing without reading the entire novel and I feel I have only gotten a preview of what the story has to offer. An ill or positive reaction is to be taken with the knowledge that I don’t know how the rest of the story goes.

The Final Victim by I. J. Sarfeh

As much as I did enjoy this book, if I take a step back and look at only the part of the product I read, without the promise of its accompanying advertisement, it starts to fall short in a couple categories, especially for a suspense novel.

The characters are great, there’s nothing wrong with the descriptions and the scenario is believable. Heck, this is the first real world scenario story I’ve read on the site, that has to do with a specialized field, that didn’t talk over my head. What can I say? I wanted to give this story a high rating, but I can’t.

The problem is, this is a suspense type novel and I don’t feel any suspense from the story itself. The story’ advertisement and title promise a story of an accidentally discovered epidemic the title giving the impression that said epidemic was released on purpose. However, if I had not read the title or advert, I would still not feel any suspense, nor know what the direction of the story was. That’s after reading over ten thousand words, or eight chapters (including the prologue) in.

It’s like the writer is emphasizing suspense too much in this story. This feels much like a Steven King movie, where suspense essentially means nothing at all is happening. (I never read the books, got turned off by the movies.) All that really happens in the first eight chapters is a patient dies, but for reasons everyone accepts that are completely laid out.

I’ll explain more in the body of the review. Suffice to say for now the author’s score is 8 out of a possible twelve with no bonuses. This came about mostly because the categories he did well in were only to expectation, and couldn’t save him where he fell short. The story could be made into a solid ten if the author improves what I suggest, but I must preface that. You see, Steven King, to my understanding, is also known for very slow suspense stories, that if judged from only the beginning would generally fail. Not seeing the rest of the story, I can only call what I read. Not knowing much about suspense, perhaps this is just outside my genre. The author can take or leave what he wishes, but I might recommend he at least give me a chance.

It is difficult to even considered giving this story a moral rating without having read the whole story. A good person does die which means a -3 for more realistic death scenes, a feeling anyone, good or evil can die. But I can’t judge much beyond that for now.

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I normally make a bit of an advert here for the author to use, but I can’t without really getting a feel for the mode of this story. I’ve only read what likely amounts to one quarter the story. I just don’t feel I know enough yet.

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And with the author plug out of the way, here are the details of how the score was decided:

Warning: Spoilers may be ahead.

Spelling/Grammar

Score: ¾

I noticed the occasional misused word or bad punctuation, but nothing struck me as a legitimate misunderstanding of a rule of English. I’m going to be suggesting major changes as it is, so grammar seems pretty immaterial at this point but to acknowledge the author did indeed make mistakes.

Interesting Plot

Score: ½

This is where the story started to fall apart. Normally in a sci-fi or fantasy novel, this is where I would expound upon the world created by the author. However this story simply accepts that the world here is the real world. Perhaps the author could go into more detail about the city in which our main character lived or where he worked, reflecting a man who was more passionate about what he did or where he lived. The catch to that is, not everyone in real life is all that passionate about the city they live in or the job they go to. The main character even admits he likes his work, but it’s an interest, not a life-long dream or anything. None of that’s bad.

What’s bad is that from just reading the story itself for eight chapters, I don’t know what the point is. I see some subtle commentary on the eagerness of society to set up heroes and then tear them down, from the way the doctor is treated before and after the operation, but the impression is that this commentary is meant to be a side note, not the goal of the story. In fact without reading the advert for the story, no hint about the possibility of an epidemic is given. Without that hint, the fact that the doctor’s assistant skips town after an unsuccessful operation looks suspicious, but the reader has no reason to believe it any more than just a cowardly act after something blows up that has the national media watching. A lot of oft considered good people would rather not face a mass media frenzy. After all, the main character himself eventually leaves town, if not in a hasty retreat fashion. The assistant also acts unusually pensive during the operation, but such is immediately explained by the fact that he has a bad head cold. With no evidence of real wrong doing, the operation just going badly doesn’t really make me suspicious of anyone after a certain point. And that point is several pages later after nothing has been brought to light to make me suspect wrong doing.

The point is, eight chapters and no epidemic, no suspicion of an epidemic and no evidence of wrong doing and I begin to feel like Lestrade in a Sherlock Holmes novel. I’m being told something big is going down, but I just don’t see why I should believe so with so little evidence.

Here’s the rub, if suddenly stuff started hitting the fan with greater and greater intensity after the last chapter I read, I’m pretty sure that would be good suspense writing. Just remember, you can’t string your audience along for too long without something nefarious or dangerous to nibble on.

Good Direction

Score: ½

This is where I think the plot failed specifically. As I said, I got no sense of foreboding from what was going on. I want to recommend to the author the story Flash Back by Michael Palmer. In both this story, and that story, a presumed normal operation is carried out on a patient. The one in Flash Back is even successful. The difference is that the reader is constantly reminded that something about the operation went horribly wrong and the young patient is having terrifying flashbacks to the surgery. This happens more than once in the first few chapters, keeping us suspicious and enraptured during the inevitable slow points of a real world story.

Perhaps if we saw the assistant before and we as the readers noticed just how dynamically different his attitude was than normal. Perhaps if we had been given a glimpse of a nefarious group putting things in motion in the prologue (the prologue was actually pretty hard to understand). Perhaps if it had been at least hinted that another operation went like this not long before with very similar results. Perhaps if someone before the very last page of chapter seven noted the insane timeline for the supposed cancerous tumor. But as it stands, I didn’t get a knot in my stomach telling me something was very wrong.

The author needed to detour from everything being business as usual, and give us reason to believe it was not so. Even to the assistant skipping town, I remember back to my days as a soldier. If a soldier skipped town before a major training exercise, without that soldier being known as particularly of high standard, we just assumed him one more coward in over his head, and thought nothing of it. Even if that was combined with the guy being a little snappy before he left. In the story, we never saw the assistant being that gentle or trustworthy before hand. Perhaps showing an operation where his impression to us would have been overwhelmingly positive would have made us perk up when he starts snapping like an angry house cat and then runs away like the same.

Again though, perhaps my impression would have dramatically changed had I been able to read much further. The insane timeline of the patient’s illness was brought up and however easily dismissed, the assistant skipping town was a suspicious event in its own right.

Author Interest

Score: ½

Here I can’t help the author. He joined authonomy early February, it’s currently mid-March, and he’s only commented on his own book to thank others for their comments. He has nothing on his shelf, I don’t see much interaction with others... perhaps he’s not ready to advertise yet and that’s fine, but I can only judge what I see. He accepted my offer for a full trade read and is friendly, but I don’t see much interest beyond being a nice guy and being open to trying to read people’s stories. Again, this is not to be insulting, I can only judge what I see. Perhaps he’ll be getting more involved soon. That would definitely help his story, as the story has potential.

Believable Main Characters

Score: 1

This is why I’m only doing a slant comparison to Steven King for this novel. I HATE Steven King for his penitent for unbelievably dull and uninteresting characters. Yes, I get that in real life not every moment is thrilling or hilarious, but that doesn’t mean there is no humor or interesting back stories or momentary stressful situations that mirror those thrilling moments in more boisterous fiction. The author here has characters that live lives that would be possible to live, but they have back stories, they joke around and they get very nervous in tight situations. When this doesn’t happen in a story I find myself thinking the author is trying too hard to emphasize normalness through blandness. It is this author’s ability to balance bland real life with dynamic characters that helps me believe his characters and well...

Likable Main Characters

Score: 1

Yes! I liked these characters too! Dr. Greg was devoted to his craft, had a dry sense of humor and a real concern for those around him. He even felt a little superstitious in the first few chapters, despite being a doctor and I suppose then a “man of science”. Kate, what I saw of her anyway, was funny, determined and easily set off, like a real life version of Donald Duck. It was great to see the characters interact with the world around them and bounce off one another. Despite not really feeling suspense or suspicion, I was still attached to Dr. Greg, and didn’t want to believe anything bad about him so I dismissed out of hand the notion that he just messed up the operation.

Likable Side Characters

Score: ¾

The assistant character left an impression in this story, as did a gas station attendant later on. In fact, most of the side characters left an impression. However I never got the feeling that they had lives beyond the story itself. It didn’t look like it would have been interesting had the story been about them. The exception to this was the patient, Olie Nielson. He raised my expectations of side characters for the story; however no side characters after him gave the impression of having interesting lives or stories of their own, like they were just there to fill a role and leave.

Good Scene Descriptions

Score: 1

Actually the scenes and settings in this story were set up quite well. I will actually compliment the author on being able to describe a medical operation without leaning towards an unnecessary gross out factor. I could visualize what was happening in the story pretty well and unlike some medical thrillers, grotesqueness was not substituted for true horror.

Targeting

Score: 1

Actually, fans of medical thrillers, from my understanding, tend to like a more realistic setting. The author managed to pull this off without being bland, so I think with polish this story could fit well into its genre.

Broad Appeal

Score: 1

The characters in this story are appealing and the story is well pulled off. Nothing is stated that would gross anyone out or fly over anyone’s head if they really paid attention. This story has the potential to be a solid medical thriller and a good introduction to the genre for outsiders.

**

Note:

I really feel compelled to emphasize to the writer that I enjoyed what I read, I just didn’t find anything to hold on to. Nothing made it feel special. Elements of things to make me feel uneasy were there, but they felt too minor to really intrigue me. Course, as Conan Doyle taught us with Sherlock’s, A Study in Scarlet, the plot of the story doesn’t have be to be non-stop action or even seem to be leading to that if the characters are compelling enough. The characters here are great, but they can’t break the mold because of the need to stay grounded in the real world... or maybe not, that’s up to the writer. In the end, I have to admit that eight chapters does seem like a bit much for me still not to find something to latch onto. I do feel that if the story changed after the point I read to dramatically, perhaps my feelings would have been different, but as it stands, I can only judge what I’ve actually read.

In Transit Review: Moonglow Avenue

In Transit review:

Note: An “In Transit” review is a story I feel is still “on its way”. This simply means a production isn’t complete or is in need of a rewrite. It also means I’m likely to revisit the story if it gets a rewrite.

Moonglow Avenue by Gary Pettigrew

This is actually a pretty good story at heart, but it feels like my own story several years ago, before I started working shopping it. The bare bones of an ingenious story are there, with a good plot, likeable characters, decent grammar, and an interesting universe. But the story is dragged down with unnecessary scenes, plot holes and side characters that aren’t handled very well. Really a person can only do so much just on his own, and that’s what this feels like, a good solo effort. It’s a worthwhile story, but it needs an unbiased pair of eyes. (More than just my own.) I would recommend the writer look at some writing workshops that will allow him to present this story to others one chapter at a time.

One of the major problems this story may face with publishers, is its tendency to move very fast. This is an underground society story, but it never explores the ramifications of living in an isolationist’s world, nor does it even question the idea’s merit. While most individual characters are developed rather well, scenes and ideas really aren’t fleshed out and often it feels like the author is jumping around.

This story gets a score of 8.5 out of a possible 12 with no bonus points. (Only two bonus points are available.) Really the beginning of the story is pretty solid, which is kinda the norm if a story stays on authonomy or sites like it long enough. Most people give their opinion on the first few chapters of a book and never read the rest, which is helpful, but only on those first few chapters. Hence why I recommend finding a good book workshop.

The moral score is actually pretty good. -1 for a few scenes with blood, but not an excessive amount, and -1 more for an imprisoned innocent character. (-2 out of a possible -25, which is a better score than my own story, Lost and Found, would receive.) Really nothing takes place in the story that feels more violent or scary than your average 1990’s Disney flick. I will give the story another -1 for never so much as paying lip service to the fact that isolationism, which is the culture of the residents of Moonglow, is actually a terrible way of life and always to be considered as a last resort if it’s considered at all. I’ll explain more on this issue below the review.

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Moonglow is a child friendly story about a group of children who find a passage to a world of magical creatures, hidden for fear of a world that might exploit them. When a child from that world gets out, they must rescue him before the fears of those creatures come true. The children in this story feel quite real and are likeable. The world itself explores new takes on the myths of werewolves and witches, while staying in familiar territory, making it a great story for fans of old fashioned monsters.

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And with the author plug out of the way, here are the details of how the score was decided:

Warning: Spoilers may be ahead.

1. Spelling/Grammar

Score: ¾

The grammar errors in this story are few and fairly obvious. Nothing sticks out to me as being something the author simply doesn’t understand and it feels like a few more revisions and the author should catch most of his errors.

2. Interesting Plot

Score: 1

The plot of this story itself is great. Setting up an entirely new world within our own, with its own rules and filled with strange creatures. Some of the ideas seem familiar, like the story is a close relative of the Narnia series, however the new world is portrayed at actually part of our world, rather than independent of it, which creates interesting scenes showing our world and another intertwining without us even knowing it.

3. Good Direction

Score: ½

This is where the story falls apart unfortunately.

First off, while the new world is set up, it isn’t really explored. For instance we learn that vampires are real, but we never learn much about them, despite them coming up several times. We learn that the residents of Moonglow are isolationists, afraid of the outside world which had proven unfriendly towards them. However that the entire world is so wicked it must be hidden from is taken for granted and the residents of Moonglow go from sounding justifiably afraid, to sounding paranoid, as no one is ever allowed to really question if the world ever could accept them. (I myself recall that it is only in the last thousand or so years that humans really feared magic, embracing and even worshiping it before the modern era. Why is that never explored?) Normal humans are just bad, and why is never explored, nor is it explored if there is any possibility that the residents of Moonglow might have done some nasty things to make normal people turn on them. The residents are portrayed as altogether innocent.

This also makes the story feel flat in some areas, as there is very little controversy. The residents of Moonglow are good, the outside humans are bad, that’s that. Keeping in secret is good, exposure is bad. Many writers make up for a lack of controversy with humor or lots of action. However none of the characters feel like they could pull off constant comic relief very well, and this isn’t an action packed story until the end, which I will comment is quite a romp.

A huge problem with the story not exploring just why Moonglow must remain hidden, is that many readers are just going to roll their eyes at the author making claims against humanity, when clearly the main characters and their parents and several of the residents of their neighborhood, all human, are all unquestionably good people. This proves that the residents of Moonglow are just as unreasonably paranoid as they sound. When a young werewolf is about to be shown off on TV, actually many readers probably won’t have a problem with this until they see he’s being held against his will. Until then it just sounds like the creatures will finally be made to get over their crippling fear through non-violent confrontation.

Second off, several elements are left unexplained altogether. When the vampires are first seen in the story, they’re shown as predatory and possibly sadistic killers that do so without reason or regret. Then they later show up as good guys, for reasons never explored. Werewolves show up in the story too, and many interesting elements are explored about them, but the ever essential element of just how their transformation works, is left alone for the most part.

Third, several times the author seems to flat out forget large details. For instance, one of the characters begins to explore magic and casts a number of spells with lasting effects, but never undoes them. The spells are simply accepted as nullified because the story needs them to be for certain scenes to work. Another character, Ryan, is transformed into a werewolf and de-transforms completely off camera, several paragraphs going by before you realize that he’s no longer supposed to be a wolf.

Fourth, the ending also has issues as it rushes past the final interactions of the main characters. Even key events such as the reuniting of the werewolf family, are glossed over.

Finally, the writer seems to have some scenes that really weren’t thought through. In one scene the main characters have a picnic on top of a moving grey hound bus, with a spell that keeps them on top. However the writer never addresses why no one sees them up there as they travel into the city, and to make matters worse, the aforementioned picnic includes a table cloth and basket that stay on top of the bus roof with nothing holding them down for no reason.

Really this story feels like it has a lot of worthwhile material, but it’s only three fourths or even half the length it needs to be to explore them. If the writer is getting frustrated reading all these corrections, let him take this away above the individual critiques. This is a good story, and good stories are worth taking time to tell.

4. Author Interest

Score: 1

I’m giving this score to the author based on how he interacted with me. However he does look like he could stand to be more active on authonomy.

5. Believable Main Characters

Score: ½

This is another problem area in just how fast this story is being told. Pretty much all of the characters, main and side, are seen as black or white, good or evil, with the only in between characters being ones who won’t be on camera for very long. All of the residents of Moonglow are good, even the vampires (whom actually seem pretty nasty when they first show up, but their sadism is seen as something to just go around). All humans are questionable if not straight up evil, expect for the main four protagonists their parents and those in their neighborhood. Any mistakes the good characters make are pure mistakes, no malice is ever intended nor is any selfishness or short sightedness clear from their actions. Heck the biggest mistake the main characters make is leaving a gate open none of them had any reason to believe was important to shut. I really wanted at least one of the characters to be like those in old the Disney classic, Aladdin. Those were characters that were good at heart, and often good in deed, but had their flaws lying in selfishness or near sightedness, not just a simple lack of experience or knowledge.

6. Likable Main Characters

Score: 1

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Believability and likability are NOT related categories. Yes it was annoying to see Ryan obsessing over the only mistake he ever made in the entire story, leaving open a gate he had no idea was important. It was annoying that that was his biggest mistake, however that he cared enough about the folks around him that that got to him, made me sympathize with him. It has happened to most good people that lacking one key piece of knowledge has had devastating consequences for others and seeing him upset over it makes him feel like a person I would like to have met in real life. Billy is a curious boy who loves mischief, though not the dangerous kind. Jasmine loves to experiment and actually its odd to think that she and Billy never give the writer opportunity to explore the world, as exploring seems like their natural state. Nicole is girly, but she sounds like she would still have been a cool little sister.

7. Likable Side Characters

Score: ¾

The side characters tended to be the residents of Moonglow, which saved the author in this category. They were funny, inventive and interesting. From the goofy ghost boy, to the sadistic vampires, you never quite knew what to expect from these people and it was easy to see they had stories that went beyond the book.

I however hated the villains of this piece, and not in the intended way. The reason this doesn’t take away from the score of the main characters is that the villains can’t justifiably be called main characters. They’re neither fleshed out as people, nor do they really drive the plot except to be obstacles, nor are they really given at lot of scenes in which they are even present until the end. The hunter and TV host are never fleshed out as to why they do what they do or what their history is. Drebin is a reference is Jerry Springer and Buck is an obvious reference to Kraven the hunter from Spider Man. Yes, Jerry was a controversial figure in real life, and Kraven was a very interesting character, but... Well Jerry was only interesting because he was real. He as a person was incredibly boring and irritating. The fact that he existed and was NOT a product of fiction was the only interesting thing about the man as he epitomized everything about the cliché sleaze show host and no one ever saw anything redeeming out of him. Drebin was Jerry Springer. Kraven had a back story in spider man that was admittedly one dimensional, but what was interesting about him was, when he bragged, he had the skills and body to convince you that he was telling the truth. Kraven was every bit as good as he said he was and he had a real consuming passion for what he did, making him feel like a play off of captain Ahab. Buck was just a big headed coward with a lot of money and some goofy stories.

To be fair, Buck and Drebin are two villain types that are very hard to pull off interestingly. The bragging coward and the entertainment exploiter. What seems odd on that note is that bragging cowards are considered relatable as protagonists and exploiters... well no one loves an exploiter, it’s something we’ve all been on the receiving end of. A cowardly protagonist shows passion and an amateurish quality that can be related to. A cowardly villain, regardless of how realistic that is, just feels ineffective. They can be hilarious, but they can’t be intimidating. Maybe if the author played Buck more for comedy he could work better. For Drebin... especially since he’s trying to show off a werewolf to the general public, and half the story isn’t supposed to be devoted to him convincing everyone not to write him off as a nut... I say change him into a freak show host, not a sleaze show host. Freak shows tend to not be real or even realistic, which is why they’re not as hated, and they’re far more mysterious because they aren’t as well publicized. Yes, they’re exploitive, especially if they in any way involve real people, but that air of mystery gives them an edge over sleaze shows. We know what sleaze show hosts are, but we don’t really know what freak show hosts are. This give the author a chance to explore the character and keep the reader interested. In any case, remember, passion is always more interesting than someone just making a living. If Buck and Drebin were passionate about what they did, they could probably have had no change to their central themes, and still be interesting. Drebin seemed to just be making a living, and Buck seemed to just want something to brag about.

8. Good Scene Descriptions

Score: 1

While many of the scenes weren’t set up as well as they could have been, they were very well described. I especially like the scenes showing the world through a werewolf’s eyes and those showing the magic and natural world coexisting. The super natural was explained and shown with a sense of awe and wonder, just like how a child approaches the subjects and it was fun to read.

9. Targeting

Score: 1

Despite hiccups in direction and character development, the story still has that sense of wonder and awe for magic and a certain love of fun. Children, the obvious target, will love this story. The characters are goody goodies, but they are fun, and if they were given a few more flaws they would feel like real people.

10. Broad Appeal

Score: 1

Because of the way the world of Moonglow is crafted, there’s much for an older mind to wonder about. Also this story won’t alienate the fans of old stories and movies by completely reinventing mythology. (I admit, I do reinvent mythology in my stories, and yea, I’ve gotten hate for it.) It has its own interesting spin on things, but keeps to the myths folks have grown up with.

Note***

Here’s where I go into the part of the story I had a moral problem with. I sense this was unintentional but actually the author promoted a very nasty moral system: isolationism. I agree that in most stories, just because the protagonists do something, doesn’t mean what they’re doing is meant to be seen as right outside their particular situation, or even right at all. But when it’s never questioned or shown in a bad light, it sure looks like their behavior is being promoted.

The residents of Moonglow isolate themselves from the world and are content to believe that on a whole, normal humans are bad. They even show a certain nonchalant attitude toward some of their members (the vampires in particular) being openly hostile and even violent toward outsiders without any form of cause. Even when not hostile, they are shown as afraid of outsiders and unwilling to give them a chance, even when thoroughly proven wrong and shown that not everyone on the outside is that bad. What’s worse, is that for the most part, the story sets out to prove the residents of Moonglow right in their practice, and the major conflict is trying to keep them isolated from the evil outsiders.

Isolationism pretty much never leads to good places. For nations, isolationism leads to excuses for Tyranny, war and even genocide as those perceived as outsiders or sympathizers with them are systematically killed or pushed out. Examples are, North Korea, Iraq and many Middle Eastern territories that have fallen prey to tyranny and terrorism. Those who isolate themselves as individuals from people they don’t understand or like in the real world generally end up as racist and bigoted and can often become dangerous. If they don’t become violent, they often end up ignorant and rather lonely individuals.

Isolationism is like killing. While circumstances exist where it can kinda be justified, it’s still generally wrong. A man should never kill for fun, sport or any form of personal gain. However when faced with protecting his family, his freedom or even his convictions he may have no choice. The Jews isolated themselves in Nazi Germany (those who couldn’t outright escape) because they had no choice, and the country around them really did hate them. What was sad (beyond the obvious) was, there were actually good German citizens that would have helped them had they been given the chance, but the empire was so strong, it wasn’t worth the risk to associate with them. A kind of hostility really did eventually grow between the two people, because that kind of system has to breed such. It’s not good or even acceptable. It’s terrible. It’s often a problem that’s far bigger than an individual can fix, but that doesn’t mean it should be treated as okay, or worse still, prudent and a good idea.

I would strongly suggest to the author to show the isolationist system as more an obstacle than an asset, and something that the good people of Moonglow want to leave behind. Even if they don’t succeed in this episode and find that, as of yet, they just can’t see a way out, showing such a terrible system in a bad light would be better than just accepting it. Like in the story of Beauty and the Beast. Bell is never shown as liking her imprisonment, even though it is a reality she has to deal with and it eventually leads to something good. What was done to her was wrong and it’s treated that way.

(Yes. My own story, Lost and Found, is about a group of isolationist, however the system they use is shown as an obstacle and is openly questioned by the end, some even outright asking if it should done away with.)