Review: Savannah Passion

Savannah Passion by Alan Chaput

http://www.authonomy.com/books/3641/savannah-passion/

I’ll have to start out this review by admitting that though I liked parts of this story and can still recommend it, it was actually pretty far outside my interests. Everyone has their vices as far as entertainment is concerned, mine are violence and horror, in that I actually love action scenes that are a tad too intense and even overkill. This story was more towards the sexually charged side of the house with scenes about attraction that focused on the issue to a degree that it stopped being believable. Nothing was over kill, but in the end it was too much for my personal taste. I’m explaining this as I know that the reader may be wondering why here I’m sure I will sound a little reserved in my praise. I’m not saying the story was bad, just not my genera. I also feel the need to point out that this story feels like it has a very severe change of tone from the last Savannah story, Savannah Fire. This can be a good or bad idea, it risks turning away fans of the first story, however in any given series different stories have to be different enough to warrant being written in a connecting line, so they don’t sound like the writer is just writing the same story over and over. Thus, enjoying the first story means you may like the second, and you may not. Same setting, similar ideas, but very different characters and presentation style.

On to the score. Out of a possible 12 points, this story got a 9. The story itself is interesting and there is plenty of suspense, however this time the romance/relationships part of our romance suspense novel, was far more the focus. If that sounds like something you’d enjoy, I can say this probably beats out any romance novel you’ll find at the store, as the plot and characters never take a back seat to romantic fantasies. The romances themselves are also rather interesting and fleshed out, rather than one dimensional.

As to any objectionable material out of a possible -25 this story gets a -3 for sexual themes that are more prevalent that many may enjoy. The constant references to characters sizing each other up may make some people uncomfortable and there is a scene in these first eight chapters that comes very close to a detailed account of a sexual encounter.

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Savannah Passion is the second story in Alan Chaput’s Savannah series. This story is dramatically different from the first keeping the themes from becoming worn out. I would actually recommend this story to fans of the romance/suspense genre. The romantic relationships are three dimensional and there is no attempt to create ridiculous relational archetypes. Instead, just as in the last story, characters feel like that are in situations that actually could happen. This story is really a pleasant change of pace from overly dramatic romance novels. The suspense angle in this story is not as emphasized as in the last, but it is present and palpable.

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1.       Spelling/Grammar

Score: 1

Again, Alan Chaput is very good at addressing grammatical issues. It was very rare that I would recognize an actual error or misconception that actually impeded my ability to read the story in any way. The one or two errors I did see were so minor that I could have read past them without knowing the difference.

2.       Interesting Plot

Score: 1

Instead of following one person this time the story follows several characters whom one may assume are eventually going to meet up. Each person is tied together somehow to a large conspiracy, which is now forcing changes in their private lives that I get the sense will eventually force things to come to a head.

3.       Good Direction

Score: ½

I actually had several problems with the direction of this story. For one, the conspiracy that ties the individuals of this story together is never named nor is its role really explained. I would accept that, given the nature of the suspense genera, I should wait for an explanation, except that Shawn, a leading character, is actively working for the conspiracy in the story and we aren’t told his roll, position, who he reports to or how he got involved. I suppose the same was true in the last story about Trey, but this seemed even more frustrating at times as it wasn’t just people talking about a change in the conspiracy’s government, but the story was starting to go into detail about the inner workings of the conspiracy without saying anything about its general purposes.

My second issue was that I couldn’t figure out the story’s end goal. Was the goal to see Hayley and Shawn reunited as husband and wife? I suppose that was a problem that took place in the narrative, however it seemed more like a subplot that the two were splitting up as the event had little influence on characters like Augusta. Another interesting event occurs where Shawn tries to rescue a young woman, but the situation doesn’t occur until chapter seven even if it is relevant to earlier events.

In the first story I sensed that the main mysteries were, how Patricia was connected to a strange stalker, how the conspiracies power structure would be fixed without a power struggle, what really happened to Patricia’s mother, and just what was the Cotton Coalition. Here the main conflicts seem to be, will Hayley and Shawn split up, what is the unnamed conspiracy Shawn works for and will Augusta succeed in getting dirt published on a person called Trey that she really has no personal connection to. The problem with the first plot is that, as mentioned before, Hayley and Shawn’s relationship is only important to them and their family. The second plot is hard to follow because we see the inner working of an organization with no clue as to the nature or purpose of said organization. Finally, Augusta’s plot seems almost out of left field as she seems to be pursuing goals that have nothing to do with any of the other characters in the story and her goals involve publishing an article or two on a character that may have been in the last book, but that she has no connection to and no one else in this book does either.

The story’s direction can be followed, but it’s impossible to figure out the end goal and very difficult to understand some of the ideas being expressed.

4.       Author Interest

Score: 1

Again, the author of this story replies to questions about it and talks about it regularly as it is part of an ongoing series.

5.       Believable Main Characters

Score: ¾

The basic personalities and situations the characters get into are very believable and a played like events that could happen in real life. However the story starts to play like one of those ultra-realistic crime dramas on TV that you could completely believe, save for the fact that a brand new violent crime is featured in the exact same town every single week. Here the element that pulls you out of the realism is the over emphasis on sexual attraction. Every single person any character meets is immediately sized up to the degree that even the eleven year old girl Maxine does this with her twelve year old boyfriend (though with her the situation is approached in a gentler fashion, so she does nothing that might seem bazaar for a young girl). Yes, I am aware that attraction is part of the human experience and is essential to biological organisms, but as humans, biological impulses are only part of how we react to each other. The number of women I take notice of for sexual attractiveness on a daily basis is very few, even though I am attracted to them naturally. When I talk to a woman to interview for college for instance, I usually don’t think about how attractive she is (I might have been more hormonal at say, 13, but at 28, I can curb my enthusiasm a little better). In this story, even if a woman is at something as mundane as a parent teacher conference, she will immediately begin examining all the men in the room and even try to ask “would you do him?” of her close friend. This makes the full grown and even middle aged men and women sound like teenagers, and clashes when the subject comes up that a few them are even married. In the last story I didn’t find it odd when Patricia thought about her husband’s attractiveness when they were in a room alone together. However when Hayley, a woman who’s been cheated on several times and is shown to be very loyal to her husband, is constantly sizing men up even in business settings, things start to sound weird to me.

6.       Likeable Main Characters

Score: 1

Actually I did find that the characters had interesting lives and personalities. Yes their sexual drives were over developed, but they all had concerns, hang ups, beliefs and even life goals. I especially liked Hayley, who set up an interesting contrast of sexual purity (despite sizing up several guys save for her father and two men who held her a gun point) and commitment in a sea of people whose personalities were rather sleazy. Interestingly, by the end of the eighth chapter, I found myself actually rooting for a dirty cheating husband, Shawn, as he tried to valiantly save a woman who he was… sigh… constantly referring to how much he wanted to touch and sleep with.

7.       Likeable Supporting Characters

Score: ¾

Some of the characters in this story that could have been considered side characters, such as Hayley’s daughter Maxine, were interesting. However characters like the gunmen at the beginning, the girl Shawn was trying to save and Maxine’s boyfriend, would often come and go with no hint of a complex story or personality behind them. They filled their roles, some even having rather large ones, and never did anything that made you feel like they weren't just filling a spot.

8.       Good Scene Description

Score: 1

Nothing about the scene descriptions stuck out this time, but just like in the last story, I got a good sense of where the characters were and what was important at all times. Really when a story has a lot going on at once, I find that minimal quick descriptions are often a must to keep the reader from losing focus and getting confused. This feels especially true in contemporary settings, as when nothing being described is out of the ordinary, describing something in detail often means that it’s somehow important.

9.       Targeting

Score: 1

In my last review I speculated that the story was written for a Christian audience. I have to say that I’m starting to understand that really the writer was trying to make his story reflect his lead character, who herself was a strong Christian. This story had very little for the religious in it and was more targeted at a romance centered crowd. I think the dynamic change in tone might be a bad idea personally, however, if taken by itself the story is well targeted as a secular romance/suspense novel.

10.   Broad Appeal

Score: 1

I must stress that the characters in this story are not vapid, even if they do talk and think about sexuality a little more than seems realistic. All of the main cast have depth and complex lives. I think the focus on a variety of different life styles and relationships as well as very different characters (from children to adults, married, to single to even cheaters) will be a draw for many people. It probably won’t fly well with people trying hard to avoid sexual themes for whatever reason, and again, there’s nothing for the kids, but I would hardly call “everyone else” a niche audience.  

Review: Savannah Fire

Savannah Fire by Alan Chaput

http://www.authonomy.com/books/29730/savannah-fire/

Hello everyone again and welcome to my third review and coincidentally my first time reviewing a book that made a perfect ten.

Let me explain what a perfect ten is. Technically some of my grading points are not necessary to make a great story. For instance if your story is too broad in appeal to nail down what your target audience is, technically it can still be a pretty good book. However these are the standards most professors, writers and readers have always told me were most important to them. This story passed every basic category and met the standard. Again, I’m not a professional, you can take my opinion or leave it. As implied this book has a score of 10 out of twelve meaning 10 regular points and 0 bonus points. Essentially I can’t help but feel that any flaws I see in this story are purely opinion at this point, not something I can stipulate has to be changed. This is probably why the story is currently on the Authonomy editor’s desk. I’m not going to be dishonest and say the story was perfect, but it certainly has a lot going for and shouldn’t be skipped.

As far as the rating for objectionable material, again, out of a possible -25 I’m giving the story a 0. However just like the last story, I feel the need to say that “so far” no one in the narrative has died and there is very little violence. The story does feel like it’s building up to something. The mother of one characters does die, however she is barely a character, the event happens off scene and it is not portrayed as purposeful violence, rather she dies of a heart attack. Again, so far as I saw there was no objectionable material in this story. I do not mean to say there was no drama however, as many scenes feel rather tense and there is a strong sense of either the potential or even guarantee of violence at some point. (Again, I must reiterate, this is a rating meant to tell people “what they’re getting into” not if the story is worth reading.)

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This is a very interesting entry into the contemporary Christian suspense category. There are no deliberate attempts to force the Bible or doctrine into the story in a way that seems awkward or unbelievable and actually I see nothing about the way the story is written that would seem alienating to nonbelievers. The story itself is about a young woman named Patricia who is trying to fix her community in a very direct fashion, from helping the needy to rescuing abused women and catching cheating husbands. The story takes a turn when Patricia’s mother dies and a small powerful organization in the community is about to lose a key member at the same time possibly upsetting the order of the small town.

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Plug for author out of the way, and here we go.

Warning: Spoilers may be ahead.

Full scoring explanation:

1.       Spelling/Grammar

Score: 1

Well well, see I’m not a grammar Nazi after all. Yes I must have seen a total of two minor grammar errors in this entire production, almost to the standard of a professional editor and I realized if I was ever going to be able to give a full point in this section, this would be the story. The best I could do at this point would be to do a full analysis and nit-pick, but this isn’t the place for that.

2.       Interesting Plot

Score: 1

The plot for this story is very interesting as it deals with a person who is taking a role in society that really has no official name. Patricia helps victims of crime, puts her life on the line and even has a gun, but she isn’t a crime fighter. She helps women find cheating husbands, but she isn’t a private investigator. She even helps the homeless, but she isn’t a charity worker. Patricia seems to just want to help people in her neighborhood in an direct fashion and in the end, though she doesn’t seem to have an official job in any category, how she behaves does make her feel real. She is nervous about approaching the homeless, timid about pulling her gun and even unsure of her own methods. She is not portrayed as an angel, but not also not a devil for the purpose of false drama. Really it feels like everything in this story could happen in real life.

3.       Good direction

Score: 1

And this is probably where the author gains and loses the most points with me personally. Objectively speaking I don’t think there is anything specifically wrong with the direction of this story, but in some areas I believed it showed through, while others seemed lacking.

One thing I really appreciated was despite the focus of the story being often on cheating or abusive husbands, the story actually manages to NOT employ politically correct sexism and portray all men as bad. PC sexism is usually the reason I have a hard time reading stories involving such material, despite that I morally agree men who abuse their wives need to be dealt with. I think it’ actually best to show at least one GOOD man even if he’s in a town full of awful disgraces to the gender. I feel much the same way when reading stories that involve cheating wives. Trey seems genuinely devoted to his wife and although he is human, he’s never portrayed as a villain or paraded as a further example of male short comings.

On the other hand what bothered me was something I mentioned in my promo. The powerful organization about to lose one of its leaders, never has its exact roll in the community clarified. The Cotton Coalition, as it’s called, sounds important, mostly sounding like a law firm… but somehow not. I don’t know how not because it’s never clarified exactly what it is. I know some might say that that sounds like a serious misstep in direction, however not knowing how long the story is, maybe it was better explained later on and I’m just disagreeing with the timing of the information’s release. In any case, the story goes on and the lack of definition is distracting, but doesn’t keep you from enjoying it.

4.       Author Interest

Score: 1

The author shows interest in this story to a very good degree, even responding to critiques and questions on it in a timely fashion.

5.       Believable Main Characters

Score: 1

Except in one category, the main characters of Patricia and Trey (I think he’s meant to be a main character, though he doesn’t show up in person until chapter 4) felt like real people. The circumstances around them felt a little engineered, like the Cotton Coalition’s unexplained desire not to allow women and the coincidence that Patricia isn’t caught by a security guard when she straight up botches an undercover snatching of evidence on a cheating husband, but really these aren’t deal breakers. Stories often exaggerate circumstances for effect, that’s not unusual, what matters is that we believe the characters are acting in a fashion that real people could or would in their shoes. Of course extraordinary circumstances a ting outside of what happens in the real world are present, but both characters feel like real people.

This next objection is completely personal opinion. To me personally, the death of the mother in the story felt mellow dramatic. This comes from someone who actually lost his mother in real life. Losing a parent has got to be one of the most disorienting things that can happen to a person, you don’t even know if you should cry or not. Instructing others on how to help you, feeling a sudden (albeit not complete) release after reading a single Bible passage, having the presence of mind to actually understand what you need to do at all except in the most basic ways… I don’t know, maybe that’s just how a different person deals with things. That’s why I’m not saying it’s definitely mellow dramatic, it just feels that way. Like the emotions were simplified and exaggerated in certain areas for the benefit of the plot. It’s a realistic enough portrayal, and it doesn’t feel impossible, it’s just very different from my experience and what I saw in my family. I’m no expert though, maybe a different person would react in a more organized fashion and that’s just how their personality works. Like I said, nothing feels impossible, or even silly, just different from my experience. In all reality it’s entirely possible that such a powerful experience biases a person for life and I’ll always, whether it’s fair or not, judge scenes like this in stories by my own experience. I could completely understand someone else calling the reactions in the story realistic, I just can’t.

6.       Likable Main Characters

Score: 1

No bonus points this time around? Well no, not this time. I believed in and liked Patricia, but I really didn’t see something I would remember five books down the road. I think exaggeration tends to be the key to memorability to me. Patricia was felt like a real person. This is a good thing and many may consider her more memorable because she didn’t feel like a super hero or caricature, but not me personally. She really was a well-made character, as was her husband Trey (whom did strike me as the only notably good man in a novel that involves cheating men in a long time). I believed Rhett, but at the moment can’t figure out if he’s a side or main character.

7.       Likeable Supporting Characters

Score: 1

The supporting characters in this story often didn’t have powerful roles that no one else could fill, however they all managed to have their own personalities and stick out as people. They weren’t card board cut outs or place holders for real people because we needed them; instead they felt like they could have had their own stories that we could easily have been reading instead.

8.       Good Scene Description

Score: 1

This isn’t like the last story where I was struck by an incredible and poetic attention to detail, however this story’s descriptions did do their job. I was able to visualize where the characters were, and the settings felt like real places. The focus was on what mattered at all times and the writer never went off on tangents to describe irrelevant items or details. The story was very tight and organized in this area.

9.       Targeting

Score: 1

It seems pretty clear, to me at least, that this book was meant to appeal to a Christian crowd, with constant references to God and the Bible. It’s also meant to be a suspense/(maybe)romance novel, not a high stakes action or otherwise story. It’s knows what it’s about and the story would probably appeal well to a contemporary Christian audience.

10.   Broad Appeal

Score: 1

Despite being a Christian story, specific elements of religion or doctrines are not addressed, nor important to know. There are elements of romance in the story but also elements of suspense and while the story talks about infidelity, the subject is not used to galvanize one gender or the other. I think this story could appeal to men and women believers and non. You would probably have a hard time getting your kids into it, but they don’t count usually.  

I highly recommend this story and really wish I could read the rest. There is also a good chance I’ll be reviewing the other two. All for now!

In Transit Review: The Haven

In Transit review:
Note: An “In Transit” review is a story I feel is still “on its way”. This simply means a production isn’t complete or is in need of a rewrite. It also means I’m likely to revisit the story if it gets a rewrite.

The Haven by AeliusBlythe

http://www.authonomy.com/writing-community/profile/0f5c06b9-9ac8-4ff4-8080-8ce689c1a851/aeliusblythe/

Okay, here we go on my second review, and this is going to be much different from the first. I’m going to recommend this book to readers, but give a strong recommendation to the author to fix it up a bit before trying to officially publish it. (Yes, this is all my opinion, but I think it’s warranted.) Beyond the fact that the story isn’t finished (and I’m not sure, maybe it is finished and just not all online) it has some serious issues that will probably impair its presentation. What I’m saying is it would be good to take this to a workshop or class or even some friends for more in-depth reviews than I can offer in a blog format like this and that I don’t expect to happen on Authonomy.

Really this story reminds me of my first story, which is still on my computer. Haven has a few rookie mistakes, but should definitely be given a second look for a very original plot, a unique presentation and a story line that can draw you in if you give it time.

I’ll give the score up front. Out of a possible 12 points the story earned 7.5 or 6.5 regular points plus one bonus for a very intriguing character of Nikolai. Truth is the story has a few problems, but with some very simple polishing it could have gotten a full 9.75. Basically this story is a diamond that still needs to be cut out of the rough, to coin an old term.

As to the objectionable rating, or, how appropriate is this story, I can honestly give the story a solid 0 out of -25 points. In other words there is really no objectionable material. Yes Nikolai’s parents die but this happens completely off scene and is the result of a car wreck, not purposed violence. I suppose you could count it as ideologically sensitive, as it handles religious and occult themes without very gentle hands at times, but most of the story so far is an intellectual examination and a story about the that ever probing question of “what if?”. It’s not a story about war or natural disasters. The stakes aren’t especially high but the plot really does set up a dilemma for the characters to overcome that is interesting to follow. I sense things may become more dramatic in later chapters, but I can’t speculate on what I haven’t seen.

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The Haven is an interesting exploration of the subject of magic and even the occult. Young Nikolai searches desperately in the arts of magic to see if there was a way it could have been used to save his parents or even bring them back. Instead of handling wizards and magicians as though they were super powered beings with spell books it takes a more subtle approach to the subject and even explores the concept from an intellectual standpoint. Even on that note the story keeps from brow beating non-believers or taking advantage of the narrative to cast all skeptics as idiotic hold outs in the face of blatant truth. The language employed takes some getting used to but actually over time helps foster a more interesting and rich environment with very detailed and poetic descriptions.

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And with the author plug out of the way, here are the details of how the score was decided:

Warning: Spoilers may be ahead.

Spelling/Grammar

Score: ½

Here is one of the main reasons I decided to go ahead and review a story I knew would have a rough time with the scoring system. Most of the problems are in categories that can be easily fixed. Here the main issue is not missing words or punctuation (that happens, but not especially often for a story with no professional editing). The main problem is probably a misunderstanding about writing conversations in literature. A beginner mistake that I’ve made myself several times is made here. If a conversation has more than two participants, or goes on for several lines, always reiterate for the reader who is saying what. A simple “Nikolia said” or “Elsa said” would have cleared things up pretty quickly. Also, always clarify who a thought belongs to, again, a simple “Nikolia thought” or “Elsa thought” would have sufficed in most cases. The reason this brought the score down to a ½ instead of ¾ is because it does make the story hard to understand at times. Again, an easy fix though.

There are also a few problems with sentence placement that could be a matter of just moving them around.

Interesting Plot

Score: 1

VERY ORIGINAL!

I keep wanting to find a way to add a bonus point here for a VERY interesting and unique plot. However, how would it really look if every time I found a book I wanted to give a little extra praise, I added in another extra credit point just to make it look better? What I’m trying to say is, I’ve never read a book about magic being real that handled the subject so well and didn’t resort to pyrotechnics in the first few chapters. The beginning of this book, save for chapter one, is very subtle in approach and succeeds in making the reader feel fully justified if he does question magic. It also incorporates ideas that, best I can tell, come from an actual study of the practice of ancient and modern ideas of magic. I have literally never seen a production like this in film or literature. I’m sure there are others out there, but I haven’t seen them. No humans being turned into donkeys with the flick of a wrist, no massive explosions and visible energy shields, just people trying to figure out an ancient art that may or may not be real. Eventually the story does give the impression it is going to take the side that magic is in fact real, but it doesn’t rush things. Again, the story is not fully online so I’m not sure how things will end.

Good Direction

Score: ½

Here’s another category that needs some rather simple corrections, but does unfortunately make things hard to follow. First off, the first chapter of the book kinda ruins the tone of the rest of the story. In the first chapter magic is obviously real and the main character is even well over one hundred years old as a result. This makes the next eight chapters feel odd as we watch the characters slowly wrestle with serious doubts about their beliefs. There is no mystery for the reader as we already know that Nikolai is going to become a wizard of sorts and that he’s going to figure out a way to extend his life (meaning he really does find a way to avoid death). This means that it feels to the reader like we’re just watching the characters catch up to us for eight chapters. Removing the first chapter, if possible, (I don’t know, if I had read the end it might have seemed absolutely essential to keep) would have kept the suspense and helped the reader feel more along for the ride.

Also the author seemed to want to keep the reader in confusion as to what is reality and what is a dream at times, thus he doesn’t include transitions when characters had sudden visions. The reason I didn’t call this a grammar error is I don’t think it was unintentional. The character Elsa eventually starts having visions and I sense the author wasn’t ready to fully reveal “magic is real” yet.  Unfortunately what really happens is sudden scenes of a character, without explanation or pause or anything, feeling like she is a tree and seeing a far away forest. The jump is jarring. Even a simple visual cue like this

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might have helped clarify that something happened completely in Elsa’s head and not in the physical world.

Again, both of these issues are easily fixed and I feel very strongly need to be.

Author Interest

Score: 1

I believe this is a story the author approached me about and one that she constantly talks about to others. So I believe that it’s possible that a rewrite is close at hand, thus that score of 9.75 that I mentioned, might be something it will be getting soon.

Believable Main Characters

Score: 1

At first I wasn’t taken with Nikolia and thought he was an overdone teenage stereotype. He’s not. He has a resentment of the world around him, but actually it’s warranted instead of him just being a brat. He lives in a world where no one really takes the system very seriously, most folks are short on manners, and much of the way things work are just systems with no heart. He’s smart enough to recognize it, but not sure what to do about it, so he’s just become cynical. Much the same with Elsa who is essentially his partner. Nikolia also feels realistically smart. He doesn’t shoot off and start hacking government computers on a whim, but rather has discussions and opinions that would take study to come to and he actually is shown DOING study instead of the story just saying he does.

What really struck me was the handling of Nickolia’s emotions after losing his parents. He didn’t immediately go into a personality altering slump or become a rage induced bull in a china shop. Instead he felt like he was going through the genuine feelings of a loss of direction and identity, remorse, regrets, quick denial and an impression that he’ll come out alright, but be forever changed nonetheless in a subtle way. (Listen up here Hollywood: dealing with loss is COMPLICATED! You don’t just show a person crying and hitting things, there’s more to it than that. And what’s more, different people deal in different ways.) In other words the author does not try to embellish and simplify Nickolia’s feelings of loss for the sake of over dramatization. Having experienced loss myself, yes, this felt like how a real person might react to losing his parents.

Likeable main characters

Score: 1 +1 extra credit

Like I said, I really believed in Nickolia as a real person. He has reasonable doubts, but he approaches magic from an intellectual standpoint and is fairly sure of it using a chain of logic that isn’t altogether crazy.

What really catches me though is his pursuit of the art of magic. He gives the impression that he simply will not give up and he really knows what he wants. Essentially he has a Captain Ahab moment where he becomes obsessed with finding the one detail about magic that could have saved his parents and maybe even given his life deeper meaning. Eventually you really start to wonder if he’s headed down a bad path.

Likeable supporting characters

Score: 0

I hate to say it but as realistic and interesting as the main characters Elsa and Nikolia are, none of the side characters even feel like people. Nikolia’s aunt is unbearably rude and Elsa’s mother is vapid to the core. Other students and individuals walk in and out of the story but don’t seem very important. Nikolia’s parents are flashed back to, and were apparently decent people, but their personalities aren’t much shown beyond their obsessions with magic which serve to give us the background for Nikolia’s behavior. Even Erasmus, who has in-depth conversations with Elsa and Nikolia never gets to shine as a person himself. He feels like he’s simply there to play the skeptic as we never learn what exactly he wants out of life or what he believes himself or much for what his personality is, aside from being a decent guy. I even found myself distracted by my inability to learn anything about Erasmus who spends two chapters with the pair. This may take a little effort to fix as the author needs to figure out how to present likeable personalities on people who don’t have an excess of “screen time” and the author likes to indulge in a more negative look at the human world in general. I don’t have to like every side character, but that I don’t care about any of them as people does drag down the narrative.  

Good Scene Description

Score ½

The descriptions in this story are very detailed and almost vivid. That being said, they often don’t feel necessary. A prime example of this is in the first chapter when Nikolia is described as keeping track of time by watching the rise and fall of kings in Britain rather than presidents in America because their leaders cycled too often. It’s an excessively detailed way of saying “Nikolia had seen the rise and fall of many kings”. The author needs to carefully consider what may not be important for the reader to know as he includes too much.

It’s unfortunate that the story feels this way because it is written in scene and generally not in a passive voice. Save for the memories of the distant past, very little in the story happens “off camera”. We are not simply told that Nikolia frequents the library desperately searching for answers, we actually watch him do it and feel his frustrations in not finding those answers. The story is engaging, but is often too detailed to the point that it gets confusing as to what exactly we should be focusing on.

Targeting

Score: 0

This is another issue with the first chapter. If the story is meant to be an adventure about the serious consequences of dealing in magic you don’t understand, and so a story for easy fantasy readers, chapter one makes sense. However the other eight chapters move very slowly and talk on a very deep level for a person who would want a light adventure. If it’s meant to be an analytical a progressive examination of magic and what it would mean if it were real, chapter one makes no sense at all as it removes all doubt and makes the question academic before the story even gets going. Thus someone looking for an interesting a slow examination would be put off by the idea that magic is not probably or logically real, but blatantly and obviously real.

Broad Appeal

Score: 1

So how did I come to the conclusion that there was broad appeal? Well if you threw out the first chapter, while the book does analyze the occult and magic on a very deep level it takes care not to talk over people’s heads too much. What terms it uses that may be new to people, would be easy for someone to find out about, especially in the age of the internet. It also doesn’t attack non-believers so unless you actively desire not to look seriously at other ways of thinking, (maybe you’re new to your own beliefs at the moment and would rather not be deluged with ideas from other people, or you’re a puritan of sorts) it shouldn’t be hard to read. Also there are human elements to the story in its main characters that would appeal to many people.

In summary, this really is a good story and people should go ahead and give it a look despite its flaws. It’s biggest problems are with direction and grammar which unfortunately at times sacrifices readability. It’s premise is memorable, thought provoking and honest in its approach. I would be happy to look at it again once the author fixes it up a little.   

Top Four Ways to make a story Unreadable

Hello all, is the "Authonomy Reviewer". No, I’m not officially affiliated, but that would be great, wouldn’t it? Some of you may have already seen that I am starting to do full reviews and you may be wondering, “Say, how do I get someone to do a full review of my work?”. Sure couldn’t hurt right? Well first thing’s first you have to demonstrate a go get em’ attitude but beyond that, you need a manuscript that can cut the mustard.

These are four things that when going over your manuscripts no one should ignore. I put them in order from easiest to correct to hardest. Also by coincidence ordered from what will get your book closed in frustration the fastest, to what COULD get it read, but still will keep anyone from remembering what happened beyond finishing.

• 1. Bad Grammar:

PROOFREAD! Oh my goodness so many mistakes are made here. And once you make enough of them, readers will have a hard time getting past chapter one. The fastest way to catch errors yourself is to read your story aloud, especially after each rewrite. Essentially once you turn in your manuscript for public consumption, you should be so sick of reading it over and over you almost don’t like it anymore. (ALMOST of course, it is your story, so doubtful you will ever personally be sick of it right?)

I’ll do a quick rundown of what to look for while correcting your manuscript. These are not the only mistakes one can make, but they for some reason are the most common.

What to look for:

• Missing words:

Believe it or not, this is one of the most common errors I see. Miss enough words and it’s anyone guess what you were trying to say. The quickest way to catch this is to simply read your story aloud. I’ll say that again in all caps so no one misses it, READ YOUR STORY ALOUD! I am constantly reading my stories aloud for this very reason of missing words.

•  Bad paragraph separations for speakers:

This is the easiest to understand and most rigid of all rules involving paragraphs. If a different person is speaking, they get a different paragraph. That’s it. Kids understand this one. So why is it so many adults want to write full conversations between their characters, as a single solid block of text? 

If I don’t know who’s talking, I can’t understand the conversation I’m reading, end of sentence. Most of the time I see this problem, it’s not a mistake, it’s done on purpose and consistently. You are NOT being clever by having two people talk in the same paragraph and you have not found an exception to the rule. Yes, I understand in writing sometimes breaking the rules is called for. This is one of those rules that you should NEVER break. It’s like suddenly deciding that you’re going to spell the word “five” with an “o” instead of an “I”. “Fove” will never be correct, it is not an exception and it will never make sense. I find that most of the time when I see this paragraph separations mistake, if I point it out, the author says I’m being a grammar Nazi. No, I’m not, I’m just saying your story is unreadable.

• Not properly ending sentences:

Always be on the lookout for a sentence that you didn’t properly finish or start. Remember, always end your quotes, use periods and capitalize:

“I like ponies!” Janice said. She then turned to me.

Not

“I like ponies Janice said she then turned to me.

This is another one that is actually easily caught by reading your story out loud. “How?” you ask? Forcing yourself to read aloud slows down your reading rate. You wrote the story so you know what it’s supposed to say before it says it. Reading a page aloud helps you hear and SEE what is actually on it as opposed to what you know SHOULD be.

Again, look out for missing quotes, periods, exclamation points etc, etc. We may be able to figure out what you meant at times anyway, but it’s a glaring and very distracting mistake.

• Mega run-on sentences:

Generally speaking, it is correct to assume most folks won’t notice if your sentence went on five more words than necessary. However when it encompasses an entire paragraph, they will. This is another error I’ve seen people insist was correct in THEIR case. If you have managed to write a sentence that goes on for eight lines on a page with one inch margins, then I guarantee that, no, you have not found the exception to the rule. A good rule of thumb using modern computers is this; if your sentence manages to go much further than three lines, it’s probably too long. If it’s too long, shorten it, don’t justify it.

• Similar words:

This is very hard not to to. It’s like every tome I try to wrote a sentence, I manage to write at least won wrong word. Again, this is usually fixed by just reading your story aloud to yourself.

• What about those commas, semi-colons, paragraphs that aren’t properly structured, misuse of one of the forms of the word “to”?:

NO ONE CARES! Commas are for making a break in a sentence. Throw them in where they sound appropriate when you read the sentence aloud. Most of the time you’ll be right and if you’re not, most folks won’t notice. As far as semi colons goes, no one really knows how to use them, so they won’t pick on the fact that you missed one or two. As to proper paragraph structure, again, most folks aren’t that savvy on them anyway, just don’t have one paragraph that takes over half a page and usually you should be fine. Yes, the elementary principles you caught on to in grade school are the ones most folks remember and the ones that will kill your story. The ones you never could get, most other folks never got either, don’t worry about it!

  

• 2. Bad Direction:

This one is much harder to catch. Does scene A, really lead to scene B? By the time I’ve gotten to scene B, will I have understood the basics of what just happened? How do you catch this problem yourself… you really can’t. Your own story will always make perfect sense to you. This is where you have to run your stories by another person. Generally speaking, bad direction isn’t a huge problem in short stories, but in novels it’s a big one. Good rule of thumb though, if a scene doesn’t go on for longer than a page by itself, it generally doesn’t need to be there and will just cause confusion. 

While bad direction is something that is not inherently difficult for another person to catch, it’s nearly impossible for the writer himself. This is a job for writing workshops like Critters that allow you to analyze stories one chapter at a time, or even just a read from a friend. Don’t debate if a scene makes sense to someone, generally speaking, the other person is right. Exceptions are of course, if someone refuses to read chapter one and says two doesn’t make sense, or tells you things must be written exactly as they say or they just won’t work. Of course they’re most likely wrong in that case. However if what they say is they don’t understand, they’re right, they don’t and it’s your job to figure out how to fix that.

• 3. “Historical” writing:

That’s right folks, your story about a five hundred ton robot ripping through the earth in a single night and ending life as we know it, is boring! Why is it boring? Because you told it like a news reporter. 

This is the principal of writing in scene. Most writing professors get out a giant thesaurus and go over specific word usage at this point. Scrap that. What you need to do is give us the play by play. Don’t write that a fight “happened”, tell us EXACTLY how it happened. Tell us each blow as it comes crashing onto another person’s head. Tell us about the blood flying out of every severed limb as it comes painfully off. Tell us about the new widow screaming into the dust, begging to see her husband again. Draw it out and let us see the action. Notice how just speaking like that made you wonder if I was about to tell an amazing story just there? That’s how you need to write folks. As much as possible DO let us see your entire action scene, DO let us see multiple warriors going at it and yes, DO let us see pieces of the affair the terrible husband in your story had on his loving faithful wife. The depth of what just happened will sink in so much further if we feel like we’ve actually seen it. Our anger will be greater and our cheering all the louder.

Watch this:

__________________________________________

I entered the house and saw him, Jack Corn, the ghost of Toonvale. He was hideous and terrifying, but I wasn’t scared. He attacked me and we battled for a few moments, however in the end, I was finally able to prevail using a fire extinguisher. He’ll know better than to mess with George Crain, Phantom Hunter again, I tell you what!

Vs. this:

I walked through the house moving slowly down a long hallway. Dust and fog began to slowly billow out of the doors around me. Behind me a door flew open slamming into the wall. I spun around and there he stood. Slime poured off his figure, drenching the floor in his thick purple ooze. On his head were three horns, each twisted out. In his mouth each of his teeth were actually serrated like he had two jaws full of steak knives. His body was transparent, save for his glowing red eyes, the falling slime and his jagged teeth. 

“So…” I said, “You know you really should get that looked at… what was your name again?”

“Jack Corn, Ghost of Toonvale. You have come to my realm and now you will join my army of undead warriors. Pray to whatever god you serve, for tonight, I dine on your blood!”

“Just one question. You’re gonna kill me right? And then you’ll raise me back up for your army right?” the ghost nodded, “Won’t I then just be the walking dead, not “undead”? Does the fact that I move when I’m dead really make me “undead”? I mean really, when you think about it-“ the ghost opened his mouth full of razors and flew at me as I ducked down. I ripped out my Smith and Wesson .45, rolling to my right and unloaded several rounds into the apparition.  The bullets ripped through the wall behind Jack, but did nothing to the ghost himself, just smacking through the goo falling off his body. He turned and flew at me again, this time managing to grab my left arm and drag me across the floor. He released my arm and I went flying, crashing into a wall several feet away, my hand slamming into a fire extinguisher. The ghost laughed at me.

That’s when it hit me. The ghost’s slime was not ethereal. It manifested physically.  The ghost opened his mouth again and roared as he came at me. I ripped the fire extinguisher off the wall and sprayed him, the slime on his body quickly forming an icy shell and forcing him to crash into the floor. I kept spraying until I finally was looking at a frozen ghost sickle. I then pulled out my .45 again. “Name’s George Crain, Phantom Hunter, remember the name if you ever come back again.” I fired, watching as the creature shattered like glass, flying over the floor of the formerly haunted house.

 __________________________________________ 

Yes, you can use that in your own story, why not?

Which story was longer? Which rendition was more fun to read anyway? Don’t tell us THAT something happened, let us experience it. Leave out words like “suddenly” that warn us something is going to happen and just write what happens as it happens in your mind’s eye. Yes, this makes scenes longer, but hey, you’re writing a novel right? Let it be long, and so let it be good!

What’s hard about this? If you’ve done it wrong, you have to rewrite your entire story, there is no way around it.

• 4. Boring characters

Epic story up there right? Let’s see it again shall we, but a little different this time:

__________________________________________ 

I walked through the house moving slowly down a long hallway. Dust and fog began to slowly billow out of the doors around me. Behind me a door flew open slamming into the wall. I spun around and there he stood. Slime poured off his figure, drenching the floor in his thick purple ooze. On his head were three horns, each twisted out. In his mouth each of his teeth were actually serrated like he had two jaws full of steak knives. His body was transparent, save for his glowing red eyes, the falling slime and his jagged teeth. 

“Jack Corn,” I said,

“Yes that’s me, Ghost of Toonvale. You will join my undead.” 

“No I won’t!” I yelled back. The ghost opened his mouth full of razors and flew at me as I quickly ducked down. I quickly pulled out my Smith and Wesson .45, rolling to my right and unloaded several rounds into the apparition.  The bullets ripped through the wall behind Jack, but did nothing to the ghost himself, just smacking through the goo falling off his body. He turned and flew at me again, this time managing to grab my left arm and drag me across the floor. He released my arm and I went flying, crashing into a wall several feet away, my hand slamming into a fire extinguisher. 

That’s when I realized the ghost’s slime was not ethereal but physical.  The ghost flew at me again. I ripped the fire extinguisher off the wall and sprayed him, the slime on his body quickly forming an icy shell and forcing him to crash into the floor. I kept spraying until the ghost was fully frozen. I then pulled out my .45 again. I fired, watching as the creature shattered like glass, flying over the floor of the formerly haunted house.

__________________________________________ 

Something’s wrong huh? Where’s the cartoonishly over the top Jack? Where’s the cocky Phantom Hunter? It’s like half the fun of watching the fight was just sucked out right? Two generic people fought each other, in the end one got beaten and nothing of value was lost. It just happened. Insert any other two characters with any other given names or titles and the story would have read exactly the same. Sure the scene itself was still a spectacle, but just not the same right?

Even exaggerated personalities are better than no personalities at all! Who is this nut case that keeps telling people to rein in the personalities of their characters because they’re not “believable” or “relatable”? Guess what, a personality that is relatable and believable adds depth only if it still manages to engage us. Whereas over the top characters like Ash in Army of Darkness win out over generic “guys with guns” every time. Give your character’s personality!

What’s so hard about correcting this? No one wants to freaking listen. Your character is BORING and yes, it DOES matter. A fun or terrible character gives us something to remember beyond the scene, a blank character who just fills in the role designated to him and makes us forget the story after we close the book. This means your book can be read, but it can’t be remembered. And of course, this is very hard to catch, even for a reader who is in fact, not the writer. If someone reports to you that something is wrong with your story but they just can’t figure out what, 75% of the time that probably means your character personalities didn’t leave enough of an impression. Keep working on your character until you hear things like this,

“I couldn’t follow your story, but I did like Jack. Maybe you should work on…“

Jack must be a good character! After all, liking him meant more than picking apart your story, he’s gotta be good for that. I don’t know any real tricks for this besides something called “character driven stories”. This means the story doesn’t move forward without your characters making it. Let adventures be dictated entirely by character whims, allowing you to develop exactly how those whims work. Remember, if a character does not have a personal reason to actually want to or especially not want to go somewhere, he really shouldn’t go there. Motive, motive, motive. It’s the most important thing in a crime investigation and it’s one of the most important things in story writing ever. Give your character a motive! Motive is often the key to personality. Whether your character acts in a way that seems opposite his natural motive, or follows that motive determines who he must be as a person. 

Beyond that, for a REALLY memorable character, make him act outside the bounds of what is necessary for the story. Jack's cocky personality was not necessary to tell the story of him fighting the ghost, however it added to it. It took up space, but it was space well used. Not EVERY character in EVERY story you write can be like this, some folks just don't talk or act out that much and if they all do, it can make the narrative seem crowded. Use this technique mostly on main characters.

Review: Magic of the Frogs

Magic of the Frogs by JJ Maro

http://www.authonomy.com/books/33971/magic-of-the-frogs/

I suppose it is time I wrote my first book review for Authonomy, hopefully this will be noticeable as it is a bit of effort to not be noticed.

For those just wanting to know the books’ score upfront, here it is. Out of 12 possible points (that’s including 2 possible bonus points) the story’s final score is 10.5 or 9.5 regular points plus 1 bonus for a winning memorable character, Bastion. Not a perfect score but definitely respectable.

Real quick, as to the objectionable rating, here’s the score. On my scale of 0 to -25 this story gets a comfortable score of -3 for a minimal display of blood for a story that involves war and violence that only really allows bad guys to die in scene. It is implied that some of the good characters MIGHT have died, but they probably didn’t just the same, the story doesn’t do much to confirm either way.

________________________________________________

This is an inviting and wonderful story that kept me coming back for more. I loved the main character of Bastion and actually was able to remember his name after putting the book down. The intended audience is definitely children and I would highly recommend it to them, however adults may enjoy it too. The story does not take itself too seriously and it is likely to make you feel pretty good by the end. This is a story that definitely earns it’s place and I can see why it has so many backers.

________________________________________________

Now that I’ve given the author a plug he can use if he likes, here’s the meat of the review.

Warning: Spoilers may be ahead.

Full scoring explanation.

Spelling/grammar

Score: ¾

I must apologize to the writer if he is reading this. I simply cannot pass over the fact that several times quotations were left open, paragraph separation was wrong on occasion, and sometimes the wrong words were used. Essentially it wasn’t a deal breaker though, in an over 20,000 word story, I might have come across some twenty mistakes, and of those, none kept a section from being readable. Remember folks, editors charge upwards of .042 cents per word, which here would have been around 850 dollars. If the author is reading this, yes, I would be willing to offer some help, but that would mean reading and finishing my story of Lost and Found (shameless plug!) first.

Plot

Score: 1

The plot of this story was well thought out and interesting. The crux is that a young talking frog must uncover the mystery behind what happened to his people to make them frogs and in the process defeat a great evil. The story execution isn’t incredibly unpredictable, but most of the ideas themselves are original and the author does succeed in creating an entirely new world for his characters that children will love.

Direction

Score: 1

Well here it is. Just because I say the direction in a story is good, doesn’t mean I agree with it. The story was eventually about a war between good and evil forces, as I’m sure many probably guessed. However the writing feels like the author was endeavoring very hard to avoid overt violence. Thus many scenes felt clunky as he dodged really talking about major battles at times, and ensured that no real blood was spilled. The bad guys died, but they were created by magic so technically they were never alive, and they turned into dust when they died instead of bleeding out. Essentially, if someone really doesn’t want to write about violence, why write a story that involves war in the first place? Why not just write about folks weathering a great storm, or performing a rescue mission of some form? However these points are personal opinion and the story is well done considering that it manages to pull off a number of rather intense and engaging battle scenes, without showing significant bloodshed. There were even a number of death “cop outs” where dead to rights individuals would come back just fine in the end.

Also I will note that while the end makes sense, nothing really feels final about it. The characters don’t seem to have made any real progress by the time you come to the last page save for individual character arcs.

Author interest

Score: 1

The author doesn’t reply to many comments on his story, but that is probably because it has so many. He is active on Authonomy, but usually talks on other people’s books more than his own.

Believable main characters

Score: ¾

As much as I loved Bastion I did not believe he was a real person and Larien felt much the same way. Both characters were meant to fill roles and while Bastion especially did so exceptionally well… Let’s put things this way. Larien felt like her scenes were mostly believable, despite being a fairy, until one HUGE scene at the end and discussions of a few subplots came along. She was her own character and had some interesting scenes, but events around her were often too magical to believe even in the story’s universe. The frog Bastion felt believable alright. He felt like a guinea bonafide nine-year-old boy turned into a frog. He loved to play fight while day dreaming of invisible bad guys, he was a huge show off and he was lazy but no one seemed that concerned about it. All this is great for a story written for little boys, and I don’t think most of them will pick up on the difference, but Bastion was supposed to be a man turned into a frog. One with a love interest even.

Likeable main character

Score: 1 +1 bonus

And here’s where my praise of the character Bastion comes in. Bastion loved to play and show off, he was skilled in his own head and cared very much about the people around him. He made for the perfect hero and young boys will probably be able to see themselves and their friends in his goofy demeanor. It’s great to see a kids story that understands its audience. Kids like to somehow see themselves as the heroes, even if their age group in particular isn’t represented. Like I said, Bastion felt like a real kid. Too bad he was supposed to be a man and that kinda clashed. Larien was decent and I liked her character too, but nothing especially stood out.

Likable supporting characters

Score: 1

The supporting characters were goofy and interesting in their own right each and every one, however I must note that they all felt like children in adult shoes. They were well characterized for this on purpose I’m sure, as this is a children’s story. None really stood out but their roles were interesting and well thought out.

Good scene description

Score: 1

The scenes in this story were well set and you could easily picture where these animals live. Even as I type this I can close my eyes and imagine the small city of Covington with its nearby marsh and the evil looming castle a few miles away.

Targeting

Score: 1

Like I think I’ve been HINTING at all along, this story is well aimed at children and probably especially little boys. Bastion IS a little boy in personality, if not in body and I’m pretty sure the little guys will like that.  There is also really nothing very objectionable for parents so reading it to children even as young as five or six shouldn’t be a problem.

Broad appeal

Score: 1

Like I said, this is a story for little boys, however I am NOT a little boy and I still found it enjoyable. I would also imagine that girls would like the story too and many adults may find it a good distraction. This definitely is not the next incarnation of Harry Potter, but there’s no real reason adults can’t enjoy it. The main problem most grownups will probably have is the overly gentle approach to violence.